My sister passed away. It was a long month in the hospital wishing for a second transplant for her. But in the end we all know deep down it was for the best, whether we agreed or not. I miss her everyday. I like to think we had that "normal" sister relationship, we got along but man did we fight. I was the annoying younger sister that just wanted to be around her. We played together all the time, even if I didn't care for Barbies (well I did bite their fingers and toes off...lol) I really envied my big sister, I know that is why I wanted to be around her so much. She had this strength that I can't explain. I mean who wouldn't in her shoes.
I remember the surgery where they fixed her "cereal bowl" or pectis (I think that is the correct term, it was a little bowl like indention in her breast bone.) I can remember going into the hospital ICU and being scared to death cause she was hooked up with wires. She had an ET finger (well that is what I remember thinking it was but it really was just the O2 monitor) and I am pretty sure we watched ET too while I visited. This was one of many memories I had of visiting her. After this surgery most of the time it was because she was sick nothing surgical. But nothing compared to the transplant day.
So I am sitting here typing this and listening to Caelyn fuss while Chloe is napping. I wonder like so many days before how I can keep Nicole alive for my daughters. I show them pictures but one day (probably soon) Chloe is going to ask where Aunt Nicole is. And frankly besides just coming out and telling her she passed away, how do you explain that to children? My cousin Drew was 6 when Nicole passed and I remember at Christmas that first year him asking where she was. I mean he was 6 and it was only 3 months after her passing. I know cognitively young children don't understand death. So how do you explain that to someone who has never met the person you talk about so much. I probably am putting way to much thought into it, as my mom likes to say.
My mom actually said to me one day, that Caelyn's birth was perfect timing. I mean normally this time of year is a very sad and hard time. From Sept 18 to Oct 10 of 1998 my sister was laying in Barnes Jewish ICU waiting for a second set of lungs to keep her alive. So yes, her birth gives this time a new light and meaning, but it doesn't take that pain away. My sister is suppose to be here to enjoy this with me. She should be here spoiling her nieces (and I must say Caelyn has so many faces that I have seen of my sister in pictures). She is suppose to be here to help me take care of our parents when they get older. We never got to get past that "annoying little sister" stage either. I mean we were suppose to grow up and mature to become the best of friends. I kinda feel like I was robbed of all those things.
Well here a some pictures of Nicole and I and at the very bottom some random memories.
We did these for our grandpa. 
One of many Disney world trips!
Yes, our snow woman has boobs and a bikini on.
This was in January of 1998. This was the first time she was able to walk long distances without getting tired. This was our first post transplant vacation as a family and our last.
Things I remember that make me laugh and smile:
1. She would tease me by calling me "Lassie Cassie"
2. She threatened to kick Nicky Giacolone's butt for calling me names on the bus (this was also the first time I had ever heard her cuss)
3. I pissed her off cause I went to her senior prom
4. She was an extra in A Christmas Carol put on in High school and got caught on Rob with his mic.
5. She was (besides my mom) my #1 cheerleader in softball.
6. She would get me in all kinds of trouble when I didn't do it. ( no one believed me I wasn't the one who was taking Dad's hair brush out of his bathroom until after she passed. She was a sneaky little devil).
7. Here is a special note on the picture at the very top I was cropped out. That was taken for my senior pictures Dec of 1998 (3 months post transplant). It was the best picture we had of Nicole after she died and my mom went to the photographer and asked if he could crop me out. This was the last professional picture of Nicole.
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